She Swims

She stands shivering on the platform, her blue swimsuit sitting wet on her petite frame, skin shimmering in the smoldering light.

The water looms deep and she falters. "I can't."

The words slip out, barely audible, and she turns back towards the way from which she came. She thinks of giving up.

Her head snaps up as her name is called from the water. "I wouldn't ask you to do it if I didn't think you could."

Her instructor comes a little closer and speaks again into the silence as the trepidation mounts.

"I'll be right here if you need me."

The words elicit a new resolve, however meek. She returns to the edge of the board and hesitates again. She looks hard into the blue, her eyes full of determination mingled with fear.

Then, quite suddenly, her legs pulse and her arms stretched our far into the unknown...she jumps.

Her eyes squeezed tight, she hits the water with a vivid splash. Her head emerges from the water and she flails.

"Swim to the side!" comes the cry from the mentor she's known so well. The flailing intensifies and the voice touches her ever so lightly on the arm.

Her eyes open wide, her head barely visible above the water, she refuses to move toward relief.

"I can't!" Lack of faith...lack of resolve...breaks forth from her tiny body and time stands still.

The instructor leans in close and speaks. "Yes you can. Now GO."

Harsh and gentle. Strong and sure. The truth hangs long in the stifling air.

She lets go and the child...the baby turned little girl...she swims. Realizing there is no other way out, she calls on what she's been taught and moves fast to the rhythm of her heart, beating fast and furious in this transitional moment.

Her kicks are strong. Her arms sure. And she is safe.

I replayed the scene all day. Proud mother reliving the accomplishment? Yes. But more than that, I keep hearing the words of her instructor. Harsh-seeming words in the moment, buried deep in the well of encouragement, they hold lifelong implications.

I'm a hand holder by nature. I nourish and I respond.  I rock babies and carry them incessantly on my hip.  My role, however, is slowly quickly changing.  I've spent a lot of time pondering the fading away of all things baby.  As the rocking chair gathers dust in the corner and I find my arms perpetually empty, I often wonder where this new journey will take me.

Perhaps it will take me here. To the edge of an endeavor. To a moment where a pair of big brown eyes stare searchingly into my own as she flails in a sea of unknown.  Longing to swim, but afraid to drown, she'll falter.  No longer a baby...a girl turned woman...she'll stare hard, breath deep and whisper, "I can't."

I only hope as these moments arise, as the vast blue looms and the heart aches, I'll have the courage to let go and whisper it with forceful hope and love.

"Yes you can. Now GO."

Keep Running

I started running again.

It's amazing to me how quickly habits fade away and how readily our endurance wavers. It's also amazing to me how after one run...the first after a long hiatus...I feel stronger.  It's as if running one day (and I use the word "running" loosely here) shed ten pounds and made me healthier.  After that first run, I half-expected my too-tight jeans to fit loosely again.

Obviously that's not how we are designed.  It takes weeks of training...hours of running...to reap the benefits.

However...there is something about simply running that keeps us healthy.  That makes us feel strong.

The day we surrender to Jesus, we begin a journey.  We set our feet upon a path from which we cannot return.  Some days we sprint.  Other days, our run is a little slower as we are burdened by the cares of a fallen world.  Some days we feel exhilaration as our feet pound lightly on the path and carry us closer to our destination.  No matter our speed, the fact is that at the end of one day...one run...we are not a whole lot healthier than when we woke up.  But there is something about simply running that keeps us healthy.

My husband calls it an enduring race.

Each day, we wake up, our path stretched out before us.  We begin our day anew with a steadfast resolve to chase after the heart of our God.  We read our Bibles, care for our children, sweep up their crumbs, hold their hearts, converse with friends, and journey a little closer to our Jesus.  Some days it's almost as if we ran a little farther...as if a proverbial ten pounds is shed from our loads.  But most days?  We fall into bed at night, exhausted from our run, the results of which barely inched us along in this journey called motherhood.  But we can smile as our head hits the pillow...because the race is one of endurance.  Because our feet never stopped moving.

It's the daily running...the pursuit of a Holy God...that defines our goals, perpetuates health and sends us headlong into holiness.

 

The Tulip

Her tiny fingers fumble towards the petals.  She touches the edge of yellow velvet and starts to peel it back.

I place my hand upon hers and explain the deep truth so many of us fail to see.

"You can't peel back the tulip petal before it's ready to bloom." 

She looks at me confused.  "But...all the others are already in bloom...I just want to help this one..."

Her dark eyes, so innocent, so pure, look searchingly into my own and I explain further.

"The flower blooms when it is ready. When the sun shines upon it at just the right time and the rain falls in just the right way and the flower is nourished and ready...then it opens. You can't force a flower to bloom...it will only break the petals."

Oh that we mothers would all take a lesson from the tulip.

We can't force our children to learn any more than my daughter could force that tulip open.  But the tulips...they all bloom don't they?  Some earlier than others...but eventually...when the time is right...the flower opens toward the sky and spreads her petals.

Every day we have a choice about our efforts.  We can pour ourselves into nourishing the soil.  Or we can force the petals open.  The former encourages blooming.  The latter disrupts the process and crumples beauty.

The child is forced to sit for hours and "learn" when she has not the capacity.  Phonics forced down the throat of a child who isn't ready.  Handwriting demanded of a child who has not the fine motor skills to produce anything legible.  We've all done it.  We've all sat at a table and stared across it at a child whose eyes are glazed over and who isn't processing.  And at that moment, we have a choice.  We water the soil...or we force the petals open.  

I read a quote a couple of years ago in Elaine Cooper's book, When Children Love to Learn that sums it up well.

"No children should be kept in, sitting on a chair, anywhere in God's world because someone has decreed that they, even though not developmentally ready, have reached "the age" when they should learn how to read."  (p 32)

I love this.  Nowhere, on God's Green Earth, should a child be forced to learn something before he is ready.

The tulips want to bloom.  All of them.  Their stems reach upward, their petals growing closed, there they stay until the day of their fulfillment.  The day which has been ordained for them to push forth and blossom completely.  And let us not forget that, when it clouds over, the rain threatening to pound against their vulnerability, they close up yet again. They protect the beauty resting within...that which we all strain our eyes to see as we pass by.

When it is safe.  When the sun shines bright.  When the roots are nourished...the growing complete...then, and only then, do the petals open.  They stand tall against the blue sky, bright and bold.

We behold their glory...and in it we see our Creator.

Learning to Savor the Journey

I was a horrible mother this week.

The state of it all...the house, the schoolwork, the meals...I struggled through it, dragged my children through the day and barked orders.  I lamented about time, about mess, about toys and books not put away properly.  I felt crushed.  Burdened.  Buried.  I tried to dig my way out, but I couldn't get to the top of my laundry pile or to the edge of my sanity.

I failed. 

A dear friend offered to keep my kids for a couple of hours today so I could dig a little more. Get a little closer to the surface.  And what I found was startling.

After de-cluttering toys in the basement, filling two boxes for thrift stores, I climbed the stairs.  I was working fast...hard...only 2 hours and so much to get through.  I entered a closet upstairs, prepared to rid it of all its unnecessary necessities once and for all. (I know that, one day, if I'm not careful, the owner of this closet will end up on t.v., crying as the Hoarders Police carry away the puzzle she never liked but was "too much in her memory" to part with.)

I walked into the closet and faced the shelves jam-packed with items, books, toys and things with zippers.  I sighed as I stared, wondering where to start.

Quite suddenly, the scene faded and another took its place. Images flashed and startled.

The shelves looked pristine. White.  Empty. Clean.  Bare.

The image loomed and I couldn't rid my eyes of its sight.  I stood, paralyzed as the box dropped from my hand and the truth of that image burned straight into my heart.  The clothes hung improperly on the hangars, the stuff placed precariously on the shelf, the shoes piled in the corner...it was all gone.  The mess was cleaned up, the clutter removed, the shoes but a memory.  And my heart ached.

My spirit broken, my resolve crushed, I stood and stared.  More foreshadowing thoughts invaded the scene.  In the wake of perfect shelves, cleaned and pure, I saw a woman with time.  Full and in abundance, she was blessed with the commodity.  She was able to contemplate a never-ending stream of thoughts without interruption.  But there was less to contemplate.  She walked through a pristine house.  But she was alone.  She wrote to her heart's content.  But she had less to talk about.  

The mother who, just some short years ago, yearned for clean and put together suddenly longed to see crumbs on the floor.  She ached to see messes, to hold hands, to teach multiplication and read stories.  She longed to  go back, do it again, this time with a calmer spirit...with a heart that understood the brevity of these years.

I'm not sure how long I stood there, staring, before the rightful image took its place.  Slowly it came into focus...the mess reappeared and I saw something different.  Instead of a messy shelf and unruly clothing, I saw a sensitive heart and a mad dash to save the memories lest they cease to be.

I glanced at the empty box in my hand...back to the heavy-laden shelf...and through my spirit into the longing that lingered.  I closed my eyes tight...yearned for a new heart, a new beginning, a chance to do the week over and embrace the messy that is motherhood.

Beckoned by the cross, running to the throne, I chose grace.  Cleansed...washed white...a new beginning.  Oh that I would embrace it fully!  That I would refuse to let the enemy steal my sunrise and knit regret together with failure.

I resolved to try again.  To make more effort to hold the hands responsible for the mess and help them, yes, learn to clean up their own...but more than that I desired oh so desperately to love them unconditionally. To live this out together...to experience a peace and calm in the bits of chaos that envelope this life.

I left the closet as I had found it, carried the empty box back downstairs, and journeyed to gather my children.

The Glory Shines Dark

I was disappointed with the sunrise this morning.

The clouds overshadowed the glory and spread the foreboding message of a quenching fall.  Over the whole land, there was light…the clouds did not succeed in eradicating the rays of fire altogether…they managed to escape and somehow, someway, the land was getting brighter.  But there was not the shining, powerful glow of so many other mornings.  The sun, drenched in beauty and power, remained hidden by moisture-laden clouds come to cleanse, purify and nourish this dry world.

I sit here, most mornings, and it is almost as if the desire of my heart alone pushes the glorious orb into the morning…almost as if it dawns just for the sake of my soul.  The light cleanses and in it I see redemption and a new beginning.

But not today.

To keep reading, follow me over here.  I am guest posting at Sisters In Bloom today.  Come be part of the community!

They See Me

"Watch mommy!"

She climbs, unhindered, high into the tree and my breath catches.  I worry about scrapes and bruises and broken arms.  I worry she is climbing too high, that the next branch might be slightly out of reach.  But I smile.  "I see you!"



She beams.  She needs this.  She needs to hear her mother ooh and ahh over her accomplishments, praise her efforts and support her endeavors.

The truth is...we need it, too.

Sometimes it's easy to get lost in the math lessons, the history readings, the laundry folding, the food preparation.  We feel invisible or, worse yet, buried under it all.  And sometimes we just need someone to praise our efforts.  Ooh and ahh over our accomplishments.  To whisper heartfelt words of encouragement.  To say it out loud.

I see you.

We walk home, basking in the sunshine, carrying our tokens of nature, and I wonder who sees me right now.  I wonder if anyone cares that I'm constantly sweeping the kitchen floor and wiping away crumbs.  I wonder if anyone notices the long hours I spend in the kitchen or the effort put forth in the education of these minds.  I wonder if I'm truly being buried under my workload...invisible to the world as I labor and love.

"First one to the house wins!"  She voices the challenge loudly as the house comes into view.  We all take off and I, the last one there, come rushing into their joy.  My baby girl throws her arms around my leg and says it into the cool air. "I love you mommy."

And the Voice I have come to know so well speaks tirelessly and the words quicken my heart.

They see you.

We all walk into the house together.  I gather up the jacket and gloves and begin, again, in the kitchen.  I smile as I work and I know it is true.  They are watching right now.  They can't comprehend the work or the effort.  And they know nothing about selflessness or motherhood.  But they see me.

The life I pour into their souls and this home is worth the effort for a lot of reasons. But today...the reason that touched my spirit...is this truth.  A mother chasing hearts and nourishing souls is a woman to be noticed.  Not by the esteemed of this world fallen...but by the hearts of these children given.  And that is reason enough.

When There Are No Words

I sit outside, under the warmth, in the midst of song and I struggle for words.  The leaves scuttle across the walk in front of me and my soul aches to etch it all, make it timeless, help me remember.

For whatever reason, words are how I make sense of life.  Maybe you too?  Maybe you make sense of it all a different way.  But as I sit in the midst of beauty, my kids playing underfoot, my fingers itch to make sense of it all, breathe life into it all, by giving this glorious moment words.  And I have none.

So I scratch it onto paper bound and sitting precariously on my lap:

How do you give words to the song?  How do you reduce the scattering to mere verbiage? How does the wind on my face permeate my pen and find life?

Perhaps the moments God truly comes near and enters in are too big for words and are best left just to be.

Perhaps the act of "just being" is worship enough and the inability to fully remember only increases the majesty of future moments.



Sometimes fear drives my pen.  I am scared I will experience moments in life and forget them.  That is how I feel right now...amidst the leaves, the birds and the sun...that it will all dissipate as soon as I enter my home, fallen and messy and work-filled, and I will forget.  

But maybe forgetting is the gift of brand new.

It may be that those moments serene that capture our hearts are best left alone to discover again another day...in another moment, surprised by beauty.



It may be true that we should read more than we write, listen more than we talk, be still more than we are busy.

Maybe sitting at the feet of Jesus is enough.  Maybe I should try to be more like a Mary and less like a Martha.

I turn to the oh-so-familiar story as the wind rustles my pages and am comforted to see something I hadn't noticed before.

Luke says that Martha was "distracted."  But Mary?

"But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her." (Luke 10:42, emphasis mine)

Mary didn't sit at His feet in vain...a memory that will fade into nothingness as her days stretch out into years.  A serene moment only to be pushed out by living and striving.  A promise...this moment, tranquil at the feet of our Savior..."will not be taken away from her."



Sometimes in a mad scramble to remember sacred moments, breathe life into an experience, they can almost become desecrated.

It is true that the giving of words to all lessons and moments holy in my life is an act of worship.  It is true that God is glorified when we stop and give credence to our thoughts and experiences by recording them.

But it's also true that maybe...sometimes...our words are lacking, our vocabulary too minute, our pens to slow to capture true beauty.  Maybe...occasionally...it is enough to just experience the beauty and sit at His feet.

Perhaps there are moments where, instead of penning words for worship, we ought to forsake words for the sake of worship.

Maybe, sometimes, it's enough to whisper thanks.  Say it is good.  And breathe deep of His splendor.

Continuing to count in 2012 at slow, but steady pace.  Searching for joy...in every place the Lord leads me...

69. Friends who make me a better "me"

70. The sound of rain

71. Wisps of little girl hair, smelling of sunshine

72. Sixty degrees in January

73. Homemade pizza with neighbor friends

74. Warm fire

75. Rosy cheeks

76. Clean sheets